


Ludwig's Letter

by Philosophizes



Series: Hetalia Letters: A Fanwork Experiment [1]
Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Experimental, Fabricated Documents, Images, M/M, Transcript Included
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-17
Updated: 2012-12-17
Packaged: 2017-11-21 09:50:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,988
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/596333
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Philosophizes/pseuds/Philosophizes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A letter from the Federal Republic of Germany to his future bosses, with commentary by Prussia and Italy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ludwig's Letter

 

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_Hetalia property of Hidekaz Himaruya; and this art letter has absolutely nothing to do with the actual government of the Federal Republic of Germany._

_Special thanks to[coffeesuperhero](../users/coffeesuperhero/pseuds/coffeesuperhero) and [sabinelagrande](../users/sabinelagrande/pseuds/sabinelagrande) here on AO3 for explaining to me how they did [something ](400257)similar._

 

* * *

 

** Transcript **

  
_A letter typed by Germany, with written annotations marked by names with text in parentheses._

[A letterhead displays the German coat-of-arms, ‘Bundesrepublik Deutschland’, and the mailing address of the Reichstag building.]

 

To Whom It May Concern:

Greetings and congratulations. You have successfully risen to the German Chancellorship. Hopefully you are a person of integrity and morals with a strong sense of duty and responsibility, but given the nature of politics these qualities may not be present. I may only wish that you shall develop them, should you be so lacking.

Your first duty as the German Chancellor is to, after completing any and all lingering business left by your predecessor, arrange a meeting with me. I am the Federal Republic of Germany, and you may find me in my office on the top floor of the Reichstag, assuming that it is still standing at the present moment and that someone, such as yourself or your subordinates, has not burned, bombed, razed to the ground, or otherwise destroyed it. If that is the case, I am not sure where you may find me, but the most probable location would be my house in the district of Charlottenburg, just outside the Charlottenburg Palace grounds; also assuming that someone such as yourself or your subordinates has not desecrated Berlin in your rise to power. If so, ~~you may check my secondary residences in Potsdam adjoining Sanssouci and in Bonn. The exact addresses are enclosed in the post script.~~ (Prussia: ** _get the hell out of my little brother’s country,_ _you goddamned son-of-a-bitch!_** )

Upon meeting me, you may, if so wish (for it is your prerogative as Chancellor, and so, my superior) to refer to me as ‘Ludwig’, ‘Mr. Beilschmidt’, ‘ _Bundesrespublik_ ’, ‘Germany’, or otherwise; in whichever way you find to be the most convenient and practical for your repeated usage. Also as Chancellor, you are entitled to some pertinent information and advice concerning the personal situation you will soon find yourself in; regardless of the qualities you may or may not possess and what you may or may not have done to get to this position.

  1. I have brother, the ~~former~~ Kingdom of Prussia, who has somehow managed to survive the fall of his country; for which I personally am grateful but others are less so. You will likely not be seeing much of him unless you frequent my house, for since the loss of all his official responsibilities he has taken to making liberal use of his free time in ways that are less than recommended. (Prussia: Unawesome, West! But I love you too)
  2. You will likely be interrupted at your work, multiple times, at some point by a man who is determined to see me for some reason. This man is one-half of the Republic of Italy, and I would appreciate it if you would ~~stall him until my work is done.~~ (Prussia: tell him where West is.)
  3. That man may be immediately followed his brother; the other, southern half of the Republic of Italy. He has an abrasive personality and you should not be overly offended by anything he says. Simply ~~let him vent his anger while ignoring him as well as you can and he will eventually leave the premises; hopefully not to find me.~~   (Prussia: call Spain.)
  4. I take regular doses of medicine. Please ignore my brother when he says they are for my ‘anal-retentiveness’. They are to alleviate my stomach troubles and migraines. (Prussia: He _needs_ some for his anal-retentiveness.)
  5. The other Nations of the world have their own quirks, and you will simply have to accommodate them. Bearing this in mind; please remember the following points:
  6. Prussia does not like Austria, ~~for reasons that are unclear to me.~~ (Prussia: because he is a pansy-ass; I don’t care what history says.)
  7. Hungary does not appear to like Prussia, also for unclear reasons; but I feel that this issue is related to the one with Austria.
  8. It is actually allowable to be alone with France.
  9. I do not like Russia for historical reasons. (Prussia: Me neither.) (Italy: He’s kind of scary.)
  10. We are finally on good terms with Poland and Israel, so _please_ do not do anything to jeopardize these relations.
  11. America tries.
  12. Poland is his own person and does not take kindly to people insinuating things about his mannerisms.



[The typed letter ends and is replaced by Prussia’s writing; with annotations from Germany]

My brother wrote a whole bunch more, but it was long and boring and there’s no reason for you to waste your time on it, because he’s got a major case of ‘stick-up-the-ass’, is _absolutely_ anal-retentive, and has a twisted love-hate relationship with order (but he’s _my_ little brother; _I’m_ the only one who gets to insult him!), so I just threw it out. This is _my_ part of the letter, so sit up and pay attention to the awesome and mighty Kingdom of Prussia!

First- My little brother and Italy (the first one he talked about, we just call him Feli. Nice guy, used to be Venice, I helped him and his brother out with their unification to make them more awesome; getting conquered like that all the time was really pathetic and seriously, who can resist a face like that?) are in love and dating and it took West a _pathetically_ long time to get to the point where he could have a serious committed relationship; so if you have a problem with that, get out or shut up.

Second- I’m not as much trouble as everyone says I am. They just can’t handle my awesomeness and don’t understand the measures necessary to retain it. Someday they’ll learn. (Germany: There is nothing to learn, Gilbert.)

Third- I do actually get obscenely, awesomely drunk every weekend. West does too, mostly because I make him so he actually loosens up and haves some _real_ fun in his life ~~besides the porn fantasies he plays out with Feli.~~ (Germany: I DO NO SUCH THING!)

Fourth- West is my little brother; I raised him, I taught him everything he knows, I _personally_ killed a shit-ton of people to make him a country- I practically _gave_ him _my_ country. You know how serious that is? I know you don’t, you’re human. Don’t you fucking _dare_ mess that up for some goddamned idealistic crap.

Fifth- Do not question the bird. Do not touch the bird. Do not insult the bird.

Sixth- West works _way_ too hard. You need to force him to take breaks, and the best way to do that is to give Italy the keys to the Reichstag (that’s absolutely _not_ a threat to national security, you’ll understand when you meet him) and West’s office, plus give him a copy of his weekly schedule (My brother will give it to you, every Monday, at five-thirty AM, _exactly._ ), and ‘fail’ to keep him from interrupting his work. What I mean is- don’t even try to get in Feli’s way.

Seventh- MAKE HIM TAKE **_ALL_** HIS VACATION DAYS. He gets those stomach troubles and migraines for a reason- the only cure is some Feli-time; ~~ideally with fucking.~~ (Germany: By the time you read this, I will have had another discussion with my brother about appropriate topics of conversation.)

Eighth- If ever you say something about Prussian militarism and its effects, real and imagined, on history, depending the context I will be obligated (in the memory of Old Man Fritz- the _greatest king ever_ and second-most-awesome person to ever exist, after West) to either agree enthusiastically with you and treat you to beer or pound your shit-ass face into a bloody pulp.

Ninth- I am _Prussia,_ not Germany. I don’t take orders from you; so don’t even try it.

Tenth- West’s not _really_ that paranoid that you’ve seized control, he’s just got trust issues with his bosses. Not your fault, unless you are a psychotic mass-murdering war-mongering bastard who will destroy my little brother’s reputation, in which case I will _personally hunt you down_ and show you _exactly why and how_ Prussian militarism is so legendary and feared, and even God in all his Holy Might and Glory and Man at his most terrible will neither cause me pause nor divert me from my sacred duty to honor the bond between bro

[At the end of the page, the handwriting abruptly switches to Italy’s; with annotations by Prussia and Germany]

_Salve_ , this is Italy! I took Ludwig and Gilbert’s letter before Gilbert could get himself into more trouble so I could explain! Gilbert is just being a good big brother by saying those things, so don’t take it too personally, okay? Good! Now, Ludwig and Gilbert mean a lot to me, especially Ludwig, so please me nice to them even when they are being difficult! They can be really stubborn and serious and not-at-all fun and sometimes even really _really_ scary but they’re both very nice and kind people! So don’t listen to what my _fratello_ says when he comes looking for me; and don’t be offended by his loathing of potatoes, I know German people really like them. I like cooking so I may cook you lunches and dinners and maybe even breakfasts too depending on when I come to see Ludwig and I’ll even bring you proper coffee if you ask, Italian coffee is wonderful! I also really like painting and singing and music and cats and a lot of other things!

Umm… one thing, though, since they haven’t really said it yet. Don’t talk about the World Wars with them, _si_? They don’t like it and it makes Ludwig especially sad and I don’t like it when he’s sad. (Prussia: ** _FUCKING NAZIS._** Don’t you _DARE_ talk to my little brother about them unless you’d like a Crusades-era sword shoved down your throat and then pulled out and used to hack your worthless corpse into pieces.) (Germany: Please remember what Feliciano said about my brother. But I would prefer no questions about this and related topics.)

Anyway you should be meeting me soon and then we’ll have a nice long talk and I’m sure we’ll be really good friends because I like all different types of people ~~unless you are one of those people Gilbert was talking about, in which case I will call my brothers and sisters and you will face the full force of a _true_ Italian vendetta for hurting my beloved ~~

(Germany: This is why I have regular doses of medication. I wish you good luck.) (Prussia: unless you are the sort of person who should never have it, in which case- stay the fuck away from my brother and _burn_ for the rest of eternity in agony and damnation.)

[The typed farewell with a blotted-out postscript underneath and a running commentary]

 

Sincerely,  
                     Ludwig Beilschmidt, the Federal Republic of Germany  
                     Gilbert Beilschmidt, Kingdom of Prussia  
                      Feliciano Vargas, Republic of Italy (Veneziano)

 

 

 

Post Script:

               (Prussia: **HELL NO!** I am NOT telling you where he lives!)  
               (Italy: Don’t worry, if you’re a good person and I’m pretty sure you are they’ll tell you where their houses are on their own! _ArrivederLa_!)

 

(Germany: _This_ is why none of them ever come to see me at the Reichstag, Gilbert!)  
(Prussia: I’m making sure they know _exactly_ what I’ll do to them if they hurt you. We’re not letting that sort of shit happen to you again.)  
(Germany: Thank you but stop vandalizing my official letters (this applies to you as well, Feliciano!).)  
(Prussia: You’re vandalizing our vandalization.)  
(Germany: This is the tenth one since the Reunification!)  
(Italy: (They’re like this all the time; so don’t worry! BUT WE MEAN IT; DON’T HURT HIM **OR ELSE** ))

 

 


End file.
